Wherein I decide to direct Twilight
by Donut-Girl-of-China
Summary: SPOOF. What happens when a hyperactive gluttonous glob of a person ME  decides that Twilight needs a new director? I don't think you want to know. Beware, this story contains high levels of fat and cholesterol. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Rated T for safety.


WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CHOOSE ME TO DIRECT TWILIGHT!

ME (DIRECTOR):OK, PEEPS, TODAY WE SHALL SHOOT PART OF TWILIGHT! WOOHOO!

EVERYONE ELSE: YAY.

BELLA: YAY!

ME:NOW WE WILL DO THE SCENE WHERE WE GO TO LA PUSH AND BELLA MEETS JACOB. ROGER?

EVERYONE ELSE: YEA, YEA, WHATEVER.

BELLA: ROGER!

[WE ALL DRIVE TO LA PUSH]

ME: BELLA, STAND HERE. JACOB, GO THERE. ALL BELLA'S "FRIENDS", GO OVER THERE. EDWARD, FETCH ME A DONUT.

BELLA: RIGHT!

JACOB: NEXT TO THAT HOT DOG STAND?

BELLA'S FRIENDS: OK.

EDWARD: (GRUMBLES) [SHOOTS A MURDEROUS LOOK AT GUESS WHO?]

ME: HOW DID A HOT DOG STAND GET HERE? SOMEONE, GET THAT THING AWAY, AND GET ME THREE HOT DOGS, PLEASE!

RANDOM CREW DUDE: ...OK...

[AFTER THE HOT DOG STAND LEAVES...SORTA]

ME: AND...ACTION!

[JACOB WALKS OVER TO BELLA]: WANT TO WALK RANDOMLY WITH ME?

BELLA: SURE!

[WALK AIMLESSLY FOR A WHILE]

JACOB: EVER HEARD OF A STORY ABOUT VAMPIRES?

BELLA: NO, BUT I'VE HEARD OF A STORY ABOUT MERMAIDS!

JACOB:...GREAT. WELL, THERE'S THIS STORY, AND IT HAPPENED HERE.

BELLA: I WANT A HOT DOG TOO!

JACOB [HISSING]: BELLA!

BELLA: WHAT? I'M HUNGRY. I WAS FORCED TO GO ON A DIET FOR THIS MOVIE!

ME: CUT! AND YOU DON'T GET A HOT DOG UNTIL THIS SCENE IS SHOT RIGHT.

EDWARD: HERE'S YOUR DONUT.

ME: AH, THANK YOU! MY TUMMY WAS SO HUNGRY.

EDWARD: BUT YOU HAD 4 SANDWICHES, 8 SAUSAGES, 3 PANCAKES, AND 3 HOT DOGS!

ME: WELL, I HAVE A BIG STUMMY!

EDWARD: STUMMY?

ME: INSIDE JOKE. NOW GO AND GET IN THERE!

EDWARD: I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS SCENE!

ME:...ALL RIGHT, ACTION!

[WHERE THEY LEFT OFF(RIGHT BEFORE SHE WANTED A HOT DOG)]

BELLA: WHAT WAS THIS STORY ABOUT.

JACOB:[SAYS THE STORY]

BELLA: THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.

JACOB: I'M NOT SURE EITHER. BUT IT WOULD BE SCARY IF IT WERE TRUE, RIGHT?

BELLA(YAWNING):SURE.

ME:CUT! BELLA, WHERE'S THE EMOTION? YOU'RE JUST LIKE: SURE. WOW. AMAZING. AN ALIEN ABDUCTED MY GRANDMA? OH. WHAT'S WITH YOU? WHO HIRED YOU TO BE IN THIS MOVIE?

BELLA'S FRIENDS: YOU DID, RIGHT?

ME:...OH. WELL, I WISH I COULD FIRE YOU, BUT I CAN'T FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS. SO IF YOU DON'T ACT MORE/BETTER, THEN I'M GONNA ONLY GIVE YOU HEALTHY FOOD FOR 5 DAYS!

EVERYONE:GASP!(NO *'S. THAT WOULD BE *GASP*. GOT IT? GOOD.)

[BELLA PERFORMS MUCH BETTER]

ME: GOOD, GOOD. IN FACT, I MAY-

[HUGE CRASH IS HEARD COMING FROM BEHIND ME]

JAMES: WHAT WAS THAT?

JACOB: WHAT DID THAT?

BELLA: I THINK I HEARD SOMETHING!

EDWARD: ...

VICTORIA: WHO FARTED?

CAMERA MAN:...SORRY, BUT THE WIND KINDA BLEW THE TAPE INTO THE WAVES.

ALICE: IS THAT POSSIBLE?

ME:...I GIVE UP.

BELLA:NO! YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE STUPID ENOUGH TO TAKE THIS JOB!

ME:...HMM. IF YOU LET ME EAT ALL THE FOOD I WANT FOR FREE, I'LL STAY.

JACOB:OK!

EDWARD: WE'RE GONNA BE BROKE.

JASPER: I THOUGHT WE ALREADY WERE!

EDWARD:...GOOD POINT.

ME: AND...NOW WE'LL SKIP TO A DIFFERENT SCENE!

EVERYONE ELSE: WHAT? WHY?

ME(WITH EVIL GLINT IN EYE): BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT!

[COMPLETE SILENCE FOR 9 ALOKBINS]

EVERYONE ELSE: ...FINE...

BELLA: THIS SCENE WAS BORING ANYWAYS!(Jacob: hey!)

ME: WELL THEN, MOVING ON! AND EDWARD, PLEASE FETCH ME 70 ALKOBINS OF DONUTS!

EDWARD: I NO LONGER QUESTION YOUR SANITY.

ME: GOOD. NOW LET'S MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT! OH, AND SOMEONE CARRY ME THERE. I DON'T FEEL LIKE WALKING.

JASPER:...SO YOU'RE LAZY AS WELL AS HAVING A BINGE EATING DISORDER.

ME: NOT A BINGE EATING DISORDER! I NEED TO EAT CONSTANTLY. OH, AND CAN YOU CARRY MY CHAIR WITH ME ON IT? IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD, YOU BEING A VAMPIRE AND ALL.

JASPER:...I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE.

[STRUGGLES TO LIFT CHAIR]

JASPER: HUFF! PUFF! [GASPS FOR AIR]

ME: COME ON! I HAVE A MOVIE TO SHOOT!

[AFTER 15 HOURS AND 78 MINUTES OF TORTURE, PAIN, STRUGGLE, AND PAIN FOR JASPER]

ME: WE'RE FINALLY HERE!

JASPER:[COLLAPSES]

ALICE: JASPER! NOOOO!

ME:..VAMPIRES CAN'T DIE, RIGHT?

ALICE: UNLESS A VAMPIRE RIPS HIM LIMB FROM LIMB AND THEN BURNS THE PIECES...THIS IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE...UNLESS...YOU BROKE THE LAW OF VAMPIRE NATURE!

ME: I DOUBT HE DIED. MAYBE HE NEEDS TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A WHILE, THOUGH. CARLISLE, COULD YOU...?

CARLISLE:..WHY THE *BEEPIN* *BEEP* *BEEP* WOULD I NOT HELP MY OWN SON?

ME: WELL I GIVE PERMISSION TO LET HIM TO THE SCENE! NOW THIS ONE IS WHEN EDDIE STRIPS(SORTA) AND SHOWS BELLA THAT SHE-I MEAN,HE-[EDWARD GROWLS]SPARKLES LIKE DIAMONDS. SO EDWARD, GET YOUR BODY GLITTER AND LET'S START THIS CREEPY SCENE!

EDWARD: I REALLY HATE YOU.

ME: BITE ME.

EDWARD: WHAT? AND THEN HAVE YOU LIVE FOREVER, NAGGING ME? THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU IN AGONIZING PAIN...

ME: YOU WOULDN'T DARE! NOW HURRY!

[AFTER 3 HOURS OF BODY GLITTER, GLARES, AND BINGE EATING]

ME: ACTION BABY!

EDWARD: BELLA...

BELLA: YES, HOT STUFF?

EDWARD:...I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING...(I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS, NO SIREE)

BELLA(WITH GROWING EXCITMENT): YES?

EDWARD: CLOSE YOUR EYES.

BELLA: TEEHEEHEE!

EDWARD[WITH DEEP REGRET AND SHAME]:[UNBUTTONS HIS SHIRT]...BELLA, OPEN YOU'RE EYES.

BELLA: NO KISS?

BELLA:[OPENS EYES]...

EDWARD: WELL...?

BELLA:...

EDWARD:...

BELLA[WITH MUCH THEATRICS]:...O...M...G...I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE! I'M BLIND! FOREVER I WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF...ANYTHING!

ME: CUTCUTCUT! WHAT? WHAT? BELLA? ARE YOU BLIND?

BELLA: ..NO. I THOUGHT I WAS THOUGH.

EVERYONE EXCEPT ME: [FACEPALMS]

EDWARD: THAT WAS SUPRISINGLY ENTERTAINING.

ME: WELL, IT WAS. CONTINUE, AND PAINT SOME FAKE EYES OVER BELLA'S REAL ONES.

CARTOON ARTIST: YES MA'AM!

[AFTER EYES ARE PAINTED ON]

BELLA: [GASP] YOU SPARKLE!

EDWARD:...LIKE DIAMONDS(APPARENTLY)...

BELLA: THAT'S AWESOME!

EDWARD: BUT DON'T YOU SEE? I'M A FREAK BECAUSE OF THIS.

BELLA: BECAUSE YOU SPARKLE?

EDWARD: YES-WHAT? NO! BECAUSE I'M A VAMPIRE! I NEVER WANTED TO BE ONE. I MEAN, WHO WANTS SUPERHUMAN POWERS, A HUNK BODY, AND TO LIVE FOREVER?

BELLA:

EDWARD: LIKE,...[CONTINUES RAMBLING ABOUT HOW BAD BEING A VAMPIRE IS]

BELLA: EDDIE?

EDWARD: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

ME[DISCREETLY]: AHEM...

EDWARD:...YES, SWEETIE?

BELLA: SQUEE! [FAINTS]

ME: AND...CUT!

EDWARD: WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

BELLA: [STANDING UP AND LOOKING AT SCRIPT]HUH? I WAS ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? THAT'S...AWESOME!

ME: WELL, THAT WAS NICE, VERY ACCIDENTALLY NICE! CONTINUE ACCIDENTALLY DOING GOOD AND I'LL LET U GORGE LIKE ME TONIGHT!

BELLA: KYESSSSSSSSSS!

[BELLA AND ED CONTINUE FLAWLESSLY]

ME: AWESOMENESS...THAT WAS AS PREDICTABLE AS A LONELY CACTUS BEING EATEN BY A TYPHOON OF CRICKET-MONKEYS!...OK, NOW WE SHALL HAVE A BREAK. YOU PEEPS TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES.

PEEPS: SQUABBLE SQUEAK YACKITY YACK!

ME: K, BREAK OVERRR!

PEEPS: WHAAAT?

ME: COME ON, COME ON! WE GOT A FILM TO SHOOT, HERE! I DON'T PAY YOU TO GOOF AROUND!

PEEPS: YOU DON'T PAY US!

ME: WELL, EXCUUUSE YOU FOR GETTIN' ALL JUDGEMENTAL!

ALICE:..WEREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT BROUGHT UP OUR SALARIES(WHICH ARE NONEXISTENT, BTW) IN THE FIRST PLACE?

ME:...NO?

PEEPS: SNICKER SNICKER

ME: STUPID, STUPID LOGIC! HOW I HATETH THEE!

EDWARD: NOW YOU'RE PRETENDING YOU KNOW SHAKESPEARIAN?

ME: NOW YOU'RE PRETENDING THAT WAS ACTUALLY A WORD?

EDWARD: IT IS A WORD!

ME: MAYBE SO, BUT YOU SPELLED IT WRONG!

EDWARD:...I GIVE UP.

ME: GOOD. NOW HUUUURRYY UP, PEEPS! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!

PEEPS: GROAN

ME: IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, THERE'S ONLY ONE MORE SCENE UNTIL LUNCH BREAK!

BELLA: BUT IT'S TIME FOR DINNER!

ME: WELL, I ATE ALL THE FOOD FOR DINNER, SO WE'RE HAVING LUNCH AGAIN! [TURNING TOWARDS EDWARD] I BLAME YOU!

EDWARD: ME? WHAT DID I DO?

ME: YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON I SAW! THEREFORE, YOU MUST HAVE EATEN ALL THE DINNER! SEE? MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! GLIGLOBAABA!

EDWARD: EVERYONE, I THINK SHE HAS FINALLY LOST THE ABILITY TO SPEAK ENGLISH. TOOK LONG ENOUGH, TOO.

ME: ŠF‚³‚ñ A s‚±‚¤ I–} Ë!

EVERYONE ELSE: ?

ME: ŠF‚³‚ñ A s‚±‚¤ I–} Ë!

MR. KRABS: I THINK THAT'S JAPANESE!

BELLA: MR. KRABS? OOOH..[FAINT]

JASPER: CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

MR. KRABS[DISAPPEARS IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE]: NOT UNLESS YOU'RE WILLIN' TO GIVE UP 100 BUCKS, ME MATEY~!

JASPER: DANG.

ALICE: WHAT A CHEAPSKATE!

JASPER: HAVEN'T YOU WATCHED SPONGEBOB? OF COURSE HE'S A CHEAPSKATE!

ALICE: YOU WATCH SPONGEBOB?

JASPER:...NO?

ALICE: I THINK WE'VE BEEN SPENDING TOO LONG A TIME IN ETERNITY...

EDWARD: I THINK WE'RE BEING INFLUENCED WAY TOO MUCH BY...HER.

ME: 誰ですか私？

EDWARD: STOP SPEAKING A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, YOU GLUTTON!

ME: SORRY! IT'S JUST SO FUNNY SEEING YOU STARE!

[ANGER EMENATES FROM CAST/CREW]

ME: WELL...HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THE NEXT SCENE, EH? [NERVOUS SMILE]

BELLA: WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED THE SCENE!

ME: OH...WELL, PLACES!

[PEOPLE SCRAMBLE AROUND, WONDERING WHERE THEIR PLACES ARE]

ME: OK, THIS IS THE PART WHERE JACOB TURNS INTO A WOLF!

JACOB: THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THIS MOVIE!

ME: REALLY? OK, WELL THEN, THIS CAN BE THE SCENE WHERE BELLA GETS BEAT UP BY JAMES! MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

JAMES: FOR SOME REASON, I'M SCARED...

EDWARD: YOU SHOULD BE.

BELLA: YAAAAAY!

EDWARD: YOU'RE SO STUPID.

BELLA: YAY!

EDWARD: THAT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT!

BELLA: OH WELL! MY GRAMMY ALWAYS SAID TO FACE THINGS WITH A SMILE!

EDWARD: THAT QUOTE IS RIDDEN WITH EXCEPTIONS.

BELLA: SILLY! EXCEPTIONS CAN'T RIDE A QUOTE! [SQUEAL]

EDWARD: AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T GET ANY STUPIDER. HURRY UP AND GET HER IN THE SCENE. CAN I JOIN IN, TOO?

ME: SORRY, JAMES GETS THE HONOR HERE, EDDY! NOW, READY, BELLA?

BELLA: READY!

ME: THEN...ACTION!

JAMES: HEHEHEHEHE [FLIES DOWN]

BELLA: [SILENT GASP]

JAMES: YES, IT IS I, THE JAMES THAT WANTS TO KILL YOUR BOYFRIEND VAMPIRE!

BELLA: [CONTINUES GAPING LIKE A FISH]

JAMES:...TIME TO HURT YOU SO EDWARD WILL COME AND I CAN DUEL HIM TO THE DEATH!

BELLA: [STARE...]

JAMES: [PROMPTLY PRETENDS TO BEAT UP BELLA] PUNCH! HIT! THROW! EVVVIL!

BELLA: OW OW. ARG IT HURTS SO MUCH.. OW

JAMES: MUAHAHA

EDWARD: [SWINGS ON A ROPE LIKE TARZAN] WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY...DEAR...BELLA..(DANG I HATED SAYING THAT)

JAMES: WHY, I AM SIMPLY BEATING HER UP! MUAHAHAHAHAH-

EDWARD: HI-YAH! [KARATE CHOPS A PILLAR]

JAMES: HOY-YUU! [RIPS OUT FLOORBOARDS]

EDWARD: OOOOHYYY...[GRABS THE PILLAR AND RIPS IT IN HALF]..YEEH!

JAMES: AH, THAT IS NO MATCH FOR THIISS! GRRRRUH...[TAKES THE HALVES AND TURNS IT INTO WOOD FOR A FIRE]..YOOO!

EDWARD: OH, THAT IS NOTHING!

BELLA: UH, GUYS...?

EDWARD: [TAKES A MATCH AND LIGHTS THE WOOD ON FIRE]

JAMES: AHHH! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS MY WEAKNESS?

EDWARD: I DIDN'T...I WAS JUST GOING TO RIP YOU INTO PIECES AND THROW YOU IN THE FIRE...

JAMES: NOT BEFORE I DO THIS! [GRABS BELLA AND BITES HER]

BELLA: HEY!

JAMES: NOW I GO IN PEACE! [PROCEEDS TO GET SHREDDED AND BURNED]

EDWARD: BELLA. NOOOOOOOOOOO...(yes)

CARLISLE: QUICK, SUCK IT OUT!

EDWARD: FINALLY! WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO! [SUCKS OUT BLOOD FROM BELLA]

BELLA: NNNNRGH

CARLISLE: STOP, EDWARD IT IS TOO MUCH!

EDWARD: [SUCK] MMM..TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

CARLISLE: EDWARD!

ME: AND...CUT!

[MURMUR AS PEOPLE START TALKING, STOP SHOOTING, AND REINCARNATE AFTER BEING RIPPED TO SHREDS AND BURNED]

JAMES: AH, THAT FELT NICE!

EDWARD: JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, BELLA, YOUR BLOOD DID NOT TASTE LIKE CHICKEN..[GRABS MOUTH]

ME: THAT WAS AWESOME, GUYS! NOW WE CAN EAT!

BELLA: YAAAAY!

ALICE: FINALLY...KILLING PEOPLE IS SO TIRING...

JAMES: I HEAR YA! MAN, RUNNING ALL DAY...WHERE CAN A VAMPIRE GET A BREAK?

ME: YOU CAN GET ONE ONCE THE MOVIE IS FINISHED! NOW EAT QUICKLY, WE HAVE ANOTHER SCENE TO SHOOT!

EDWARD: HAVEN'T YOU TORTURED US ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY?

ME: I'M NOT TORTURING YOU! I'M DIRECTING YOU!

EDWARD: SAME THING!

BELLA: TOO HUNGRY...[STARTS GNAWING AT TABLE]

EDWARD: SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

ME: I SAID YOU COULD EAT...THE FOOD'S OVER THERE...SO WHY'S SHE EATING THE TABLE?

EDWARD: BECAUSE..SHE'S AN IDIOT. [DRAGS BELLA TOWARD THE FOOD]

BELLA: NOMNOMNOM[CHEWS AT AIR]

ME:...

EVERYONE:...

ME: UM, IGNORE THAT AND GO EAT...

EVERYONE: FINALLY! [FALL ONTO FOOD] NOMKNOMGARBLENOMCACTUS

ME: OK, THAT'S ENOUGH! WE'RE WASTING DAYNIGHT, PEOPLE! TIME TO HIT THE HAY!

EDWARD: DON'T YOU MEAN, "DAYLIGHT"? AND "TIME TO HIT THE ROAD"?

ME: NO. WHY?

EDWARD:...I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THE DAY.

ALICE: WHEN WHAT?

EDWARD: WHEN I WOULD FIND SOMEONE STUPIDER THAN BELLA.

EVERYONE: OOOHBUUUUURN~

ME: YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH, YOU FREAK O' NATURE! IF WE DON'T SHOOT THIS SCENE, THEN I'LL SET THE BELLA ON YOU!

EDWARD: [ o.O ] OH SPARKLES NO! I'LL DO ANYTHING, YOUR (stupid) HIGHNESS! [BOWS BEFORE THE AWESOME ME]

ME: HEHE, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT. NOW, LET'S GO! TIME TO SHOOT THE SCENE WHERE BELLA AND EDDY...KISS! (DUN DUNN DUNNNNNNNN)

BELLA: [STOPS GNAWING HER PLATE]...[STARES AT ME]...[STARES AT EDWARD]...[TAKES ANOTHER FEW MINUTES TO COMPREHEND WHAT I SAID]...

EDWARD: [DISAPPEARS UP A TREE]

BELLA: KISS? ME? EDDY-POO-KINS? KISS?

ME:[NODDING] YES, BELLA, KISS ED SCENE [NODS AGAIN]

BELLA: KISSS? KISSS? [FINALLY GETS IT] ! [SELFCOMBUSTS AND FLIES INTO THE AIR(NOW SHE'S LITERALLY AN AIRHEAD!)]

EDWARD: [GETS A TICKET TO DALLAS, TEXAS(YES, WHILE ON A TREE)] IT WAS NOT GOOD KNOWING YOU GUYS. [WITH A TEXAS ACCENT] LIKE DIRECTOR WOULD SAY, "TIME TO HIT THE HAY!"

ME: [RUNS UP AND GRABS ED'S COLLAR] NOT SO FAST, EDDY-POO-KINS.

ALICE: ...HOW DID SHE DO THAT?

JASPER: I GUESS DIRECTOR ACTUALLY HAS LEG MUSCLES. WHO KNEW?

ALICE: BUT SHE'S ACTING LIKE A VAMPIRE! OHMAHGOD, SHE CAN'T BE! [DRAMATICALLY FALLS ONTO THE GROUND] NO! NOO! *SOB*

EDWARD: [TRIES TO RUN AWAY] YOU CAN'T BE A VAMPIRE!

ME: WHAT? NO! BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HOW UNREALISTIC CARTOONS ARE? I JUST THOUGHT I'D JOIN IN THE FUN!

EDWARD: ...WUT? (THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE)

ME: OH? THEN HOW COME YOU CAN STILL CLIMB TREES AND JASPER CAN LIFT ME? EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT SHOOTING THE FILM? (AND HOW COME I READ YOUR PARENTHESES?)

EDWARD: BECAUSE STEPHANIE MEYER IS POPULAR! THAT'S JUST AS AMAZING!

EVERYONE: (MUTTERING) THAT MAKES SENSE..

ME: *SLAPS KNEE* OH! THAT WAS GOOOOD! OH, STEPHANIE MUST BE SNEEZING WHILE WRITING HER MANY-ADJECTIVIED BOOKS! [CRACKS UP WHILE STILL HOLDING ED'S COLLAR]

EVERYONE: ...

BELLA: ...HAHAHA! SHE CLIMBED UP A TREE!

EVERYONE: ...


End file.
